Common toxic life-rules and how to break them

So, you’ve come a long way in your personal development. Your self-leadership skills are well developed, you’ve made friends with your values and know your overdeveloped strengths. You know what drains you and what makes your dopamine flow.

Suddenly the growth stops.

Your coping strategies become ineffective, the stress management techniques useless and you fall back into negative habits.

Behavioral scientists call them dysfunctional core beliefs, the often-toxic life-rules that cause negative stress and stand in the way of your development. They are deep-rooted principles telling you what you ’must’ and ’should’ do to be successful, loved, or happy. These beliefs are often inherited or formed early on in life. They are central to your self-image and breaking them can be both painful and necessary to continue your personal growth.

Some common dysfunctional life-rules

      • If I don’t succeed, I have not put in enough effort
      • If I express my needs, I am selfish
      • I must be strong, whatever it takes
      • If I have a lot going on, I am successful
      • If I say no, people will not trust me again
      • If I fail, they won’t respect me

I can certainly relate to many of these. Throughout my career in fast-paced consumer goods organizations, I was convinced that if I only worked harder and showed up stronger, I would climb faster than everyone else.

It worked well. Until I crashed spectacularly.

Today I am an Executive Coach, speaker and leadership consultant specialized in helping high performing individuals and teams find a more sustainable way to perform.  Many of my clients call themselves achievement addicts and want to learn how to be successful on their terms, go the distance and become more effective leaders. Without burning out in the process.

We start by taking a long, hard, and honest look at their life-rules.

Most life-rules are useful and help us make daily decisions without too much thought. However, when your core beliefs dictate your behaviors without flexibility, they are dysfunctional and can limit your growth and well-being.

The worst thing with toxic life-rules is that they appear to be truths – it’s just how the world works, right? Therefore, we are often not fully aware of them.

5 steps to challenge your life-rules

      1. Decide to challenge a life-rule in a small way. For example, choose to go for a walk instead of answering work emails tonight (Rule: If I don’t succeed, I will be criticized)
      2. If the feeling of discomfort creeps in, remind yourself that it is not bad or dangerous to feel uncomfortable, on the contrary, it means that you are challenging a rigid rule.
      3. Breathe, observe what is happening without judging (and keep your hands off those emails!). When the stress reaction goes away, you can focus on enjoying the walk.
      4. Write down: when does this life-rule serve you and when are you’re better off overruling it?
      5. Be thankful for the work you just did to build flexibility and resilience.

In short, dysfunctional life-rules can hinder your personal development, they are difficult to notice and can be unpleasant to break. These core beliefs are the root cause of many dysfunctional behaviors. By being aware of them, challenging them and analyzing your reaction, you can increase your resilience and grow into a better version of yourself.

Happy overruling!

 

Case Study – Executive Coaching

Mairi is the Head of Leadership Development at the Karolinska University Hospital and has recently completed my Executive Coaching Program. It’s a six-month intensive coaching program for leaders based around the EQ-i 2.0 Emotional Intelligence Framework. The coaching sessions took place on Zoom, and we met approximately every third week.

I sat down with Mairi to ask her a couple of questions about her experience.

Emma: Hi Mairi, what made you apply for the Executive Coaching Program?

Mairi: I had been recently appointed as the Head of Leadership Development at the Karolinska University Hospital. Given the consequences of the COVID-19 pandemic on staff and managers and the unique culture of our organization, a coaching program that builds on Emotional Intelligence resonated well with my perceived needs for personal and professional development.

Emma: What has the coaching given you?

Mairi: The coaching has primarily given me two things – increased self-awareness and space for self-reflection. While these two things are the essence of what I work with to create for others, the gift of time and support from Emma to have that space for myself, has been invaluable.

Emma:  What did you learn during the coaching program?

Mairi:  The EQ assessment was very comprehensive and shed light on capabilities that I need to get better at in order to become a more effective leader and leadership developer. I also learned how the different components are interdependent and realized how some of my strengths actually become a hinder for my performance when overused. Last but not least, it was an important reminder that regardless of one’s level of experience or stage of development, it is hugely beneficial to have periods in one’s life that are supported by a coach.

Emma: What elements of the program had the greatest impact on you?

Mairi: The greatest impact came from the combination of the EQ assessment and the coaching. The EQ assessment was eye opening and combined with coaching, its effects will be long lasting. Improved self-awareness means that I pay close attention in every situation where my capabilities are challenged. Attention is really what changes a mere experience into deliberate practice and can thus contribute to continual learning. The assessment alone would be simply information in form of a report. The coaching without the assessment would risk lacking intentionality and direction. So it’s the combination that makes it a winning concept.

Emma: Who do you think would benefit from Executive Coaching?

Mairi: Anyone with a growth mindset, i.e. anyone with a will, curiosity, openness and vulnerability to become better versions of themselves.

Emma: How would you describe me as a coach?

Mairi: Emma has a great ability to listen, to really listen. To pay close attention to what her client needs the moment they start their session. She masters the art of asking great questions and doesn’t hesitate to challenge the deeply held beliefs her client might hold about their situation, performance and learning. I’m deeply grateful for her generosity to support me in my growth and help me lead from my purpose.

Thank you Mairi for taking the time to reflect on this. As a coach I always learn something new with each client. It was an honor to work with Mairi and to follow her progress. I learned a great deal from her deep understanding of leadership and her willingness to challenge her perceptions.

If you or your organization are interested in Executive Coaching, please get in touch and I’m happy to tell you more.

Reflektionad – Sista torsdagen varje månad kl 8:30 på Djurgården

Många av oss prioriterar bort just de aktiviteter som skyddar oss från negativ stress: 

      • Meningsfulla samtal IRL
      • Reflektionstid
      • Natur
      • Motion

Vi behöver ’reflektionera’ mera! 

Reflektion + Promenad = Reflektionad

Som Margaret Wheatley sa:

“Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful.”

Sista torsdagen i varje månad pratpromenerar vi tillsammans

Vi möts klockan 8:30 vid Blå Porten nära Djurgårdsbron och promenerar, reflekter och delar förhoppningvis meningsfulla samtal.

Jag delar kort om en modell, ett verktyg eller forskning inom självledarskap. I par eller grupp om tre så promenerar och diskuterar vi (på säkert avstånd). Vi stannar halvvägs och delar våra insikter och tankar, jag ställer en ny fråga och vi byter promenadpartner. Vi är tillbaka senast kl 9:30 vid blå porten och du kan cykla hem eller ta dig vidare till en arbetsdag laddad med:

      • Nya perspektiv och insikter
      • Full av energi och inspiration
      • Nya intressanta kontakter
      • Tankar kring hus din kommande månad ska se ut

I höst ses vi: 26 augusti & 30 september. Eventuellt släpps fler datum längre fram  

Boka en plats senast kl 12:00 dagen innan (formuläret nedan eller på kontakt@emmavallin.se / 0709195374

Deltagande är gratis men vi begränsar deltagandet till högst 10 personer av praktiska skäl.

Väl mött!

The Comparer – final (over)achievement archetype

We’ve come the end in our series Achievement patterns and strategies with the Comparer.

The Comparer lives by the words: ‘The grass is always greener… ’.

Comparison is nothing new. In 1954 Festinger came up with the social comparison theory. At the core of his theory is the idea that people come to know about themselves—their own abilities, successes, and personality—by comparing themselves with others. It’s central to our need for acceptance and belonging.

But the Comparer archetype takes this behaviour to the extremes. Comparers have a clear view of what life should be like and constantly compare themselves to others. They make sure their Instagram feeds are perfectly color coded and are at risk of being addicted to social media.

As a Comparer you also want to be perfect IRL and try to say clever things, be helpful and serve the right food at dinner parties. If people around you are unwell you risk missing the signs and often don’t observe your own signals of stress either.

Drivers and Fears:
      • Low self-esteem
      • Fear of being abandoned
      • Fear of rejection
How to overcome:
      1. Do a Social media detox – really! Here are a few tips:
          1. a)    Give your digital devices a bedtime.

            b)    Start a new morning habit.

            c)    Delete your social media apps.

            d)    Replace social media time with a new hobby or activity.

            e)    Break the habit of reaching for your phone.

            f)      Use technology for reasons other than scrolling social media.

            g)    Pay attention to the media you consume.

            h)    Spend more time observing the world around you.

            i)      Track your progress.

            j)      Set yourself reminders to not check social media.

      1. 2. Learn to spot the bottom of the iceberg. When you find yourself comparing, turn the tables around and ask yourself what the other person might admire in you. We can never really understand someone else’s reality, struggles and insecurities just as they might not have all your strengths in sight.

        3. Practice Meditation

 

Ok, so those were the 6 (over)achievement archetypes.

I use this model a lot in my coaching practice and it’s central to the Achievement Detox program. Often clients tell me that they can relate to several archetypes but when looking into the driver and fears it often becomes clear which overachievement strategy they use the most.

And that’s where we focus in with behavioural experiments.

Because as with all behavioural change, we need to work through the 3As:

      1. First we need to be AWARE of our behaviours and cognitions
      2. Then we need to ACCEPT the situation
      3. But nothing will change unless we ACT – we need to try and evaluate new strategies and slowly build new behaviours.

I hope you have enjoyed the series. If you would like more information or would like to work with me as a coach, please get in touch

The Competitor – 5th (over)achievement archetype

Motto: ‘winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing’.

Competitors see life as a race and always try to be just that little bit better than everyone else.

If you identify as a Competitor achievement archetype you often ignore your own basic needs such as sleep and food.

You sometimes come across as judgmental and go to extreme lengths to hide your own failures and shortcomings. You often step on people’s toes.

There is a lot of shame involved in this achievement strategy and the competitor risks ending up a lonely person. If a person hinges all their value on winning, who are they when they lose or can’t even compete anymore?

Drivers and Fears:
      • The belief that the one who is best gets all the rewards
      • Fear of feeling worthless
      • The belief that you are only loved and accepted when you win
How to overcome:
      1. Understand your insecurities. Our insecurities fuel competitive, jealous feelings. These insecurities may have developed in our younger years because of experiences that made us feel unworthy. Reflect on or speak to a therapist about what your family motto was growing up and which events shaped you.
      1. Do a cost /benefit analysis. How are you hurting? Are you being productive, creative at work? Is your lack of vulnerability making you a bad leader/ colleague?
      1. Define your own success and standards. Instead of using others’ accomplishments as benchmarks for success, get clear on what success means to you, what your goals are and, critically, how you would like to get there? (read how many toes you are willing to step on).

Where do you draw the line between healthy ambition and unhealthy competitiveness?

Final archetype – The Comparer

Lunchwebbinarium 6 maj 12:00-12:45

Prestationscoachen Emma Vallin, webbinariet Pestationsdetox

Prestationsdetox – konsten att prestera hållbart

Kostnadsfritt lunchwebbinarium – registera dig nedan!

Vi drillas från barnsben till att åstadkomma, klättra, prestera och aldrig ge upp. Förmågor som kan ta oss långt. Men vad händer när prestationsbehovet börjar skada relationer, hälsan och på sikt resultaten? Kan vi förebygga stressrelaterad ohälsa genom att förändra våra prestationsmönster?

Coachen och ledarutvecklaren Emma Vallin berättar om sin egen resa från prestationsberoende marknadsdirektör genom ett experiment hon kallar sin Prestationsdetox, till att idag hjälpa individer och organisation utveckla hållbart ledarskap. Det serveras praktiska verktyg och en hel del igenkänning.

VEM ÄR DET FÖR?

    • Alla som är intresserade av självledarskap och personlig utveckling.
    • De som upplever ett prestationsbehov som påverkar hälsa, relationer eller gränsdragning.
    • Chefer och företagsledare som vill förstå och hjälpa sina högpresterande medarbetare att hålla i längden.

VAD DU FÅR MED DIG:

    • Kunskap om prestation och negativ stress
    • Möjlighet att reflektera kring dina egna prestationsmönster
    • Verktyg och tips för att du eller dina medarbetare ska prestera hållbart
    • Berättelsen om Emmas Prestationsdetox med risk för igenkänning och  några skratt

VAD TIDIGARE DELTAGARE SÄGER:

’Alla borde se över sitt eget presterande och förhållningssätt till jobb och måsten i livet. Väldigt intressant! ’

’Emmas berättelse är personlig och berör. Den ger hög igenkänning och bjuder på skratt och intressanta reflektioner’

’En på samma gång sårbar och humoristisk föreläsning. Mycket tankeväckande och den gav mersmak.’

anmälan

The Constant Achiever – (over)achievement archetype 4

This is probably the achiever archetype I identify the most with. People who are Constant Achievers (and I at times) live by the motto:

You can rest when you’re dead’.

The constant achiever is a multi-tasker who always juggles several big projects. If you identify as a constant achiever work is always on your mind and you are likely checking emails around the clock.

In your spare time, you renovate your apartment, take a language course or prepare for a marathon (yep, yep and yep)

Everything you do has a purpose and a goal. Your to-do list is your comfort blanket and you likely to most things in life very quickly. As a consequence the constant achiever is rarely in the moment and at high risk of burnout.

Drivers and Fears:
      • Achievement as a safe zone.
      • Addiction to the ‘high’ of achievement.
      • It is uncomfortable to take it easy, laziness is frowned upon.
      • Fear of stopping development.
How to overcome:
    • Get clear on the negative consequences of constantly achieving. List what it does to your health, relationships, and results.
    • Practice self compassion. Start with: Avoid saying and thinking judgmental things about yourself, spend time doing things you enjoy, Letting go of external validation.
    • Behavioral Experiments: This part was central to the ’achievement detox’ I did a few years ago to limit the damage my achievement addiction. I embarked on a 1 year experiment during which I took on a very junior role at work and banned all achievement focus from my life. It was an eyeopener but also a very painful experience. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy we instead recommend smaller experiments such as:
      • Post on LinkedIn and stop yourself from checking the results for 24 hours 😉
      • Have a dinner party without meticulously preparing the food.
      • Swim on the slowest lane and allow yourself to be overtaken by everyone

Yep, have tried all of the above and as for most Constant Achievers, it’s hard work and something we need to keep practicing

Next up: The Competitor

 

 

 

The Worrying Problem Solver – (Over)achiever archetype 3

‘Spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions’

This achievement strategy is about never leaving anything unresolved. If you identify as worrying problem solver you often experience anxiety and negative stress when facing a challenging problem.

On top of the anxiety the issue with this approach is that it’s very ineffective. When the brain’s threat system is switched on you are unlikely to find constructive solutions.

The result is a behavior that is motivated by getting rid of discomfort. In the short term, it feels better to dwell on the problem than to leave it.

Drivers and Fears:
      • The dopamine kick of solving things.
      • Inability to deal with the discomfort of disappointment.
      • A tendency to catastrophize.
      • Fear of failure.
How to overcome:

1.Recognize the difference between worrying and productive problem solving. Here are some signs that you might be worrying:

      • You dismiss all your solutions as ineffective.
      • You are tense, distressed, and upset.
      • You spend a lot of time focusing on how things could go terribly wrong.

2. To get out of worrying-mode. Try taking some slow breaths from your diaphragm and relax. If that doesn’t help, take a break (go for a run, Clean the toilet). Come back to the problem when you’ve had a chance to settle down.

3. Put negative thoughts into a drawer. If you still find yourself slipping into negative thinking. Let the thoughts come, then mentally put them into a drawer, lock it and tell yourself you can open the draw again in an hour. In the meanwhile focus on positive ways to solve the problem.

Have you experienced periods of worrying and anxiety? What tips would you give to someone who is a worrying problem solver?

Next up: The Constant Achiever

© 2021 Emma Vallin. All rights reserved.

The Controller – (Over)achiever archetype 2

Motto: ‘If you want a thing done well, do it yourself’

Achievement by control is about keeping a close eye on everything and everyone around you. If you identify with the Controller archetype you probably know exactly what will happen on Tuesday in 3 weeks and love writing lists and plans.

You prefer to take care of most things yourself and delegation and collaboration could be a challenge for you. The Controller can have a hard time dealing with unexpected events.

Due to their challenge with collaboration and delegation, Controllers risk losing valuable input and inspiration from people around them. In extreme cases they could end up alienating colleagues and friends.

Drivers and Fears:
      • Fear of losing control
      • Fear of uncertainty
      • Will to succeed
How to overcome:
      1. Educate yourself about anxiety and control. Rather than falling back on control as a defense against uncertainty, learn all you can about the fear that is driving you to micromanage. Read books or see a therapist.

2. Ask yourself how effective controlling really is. For example, is asking your teenage son whether he’s brushed his teeth every morning an effective way to make him take responsibility for his dental care? If not, stop and rethink your approach.

3. Ban control-oriented language from your vocabulary. For example, unsolicited advice or criticizing someone’s perspective. Altering your language takes courage, and you must commend yourself for learning how to let go of control.

What advise would you give a Controller? If you identify as one, how do you overcome your need to control?

Next up: The worrying problem solver

Overachievement Archetypes. © 2021 Emma Vallin. All rights reserved.

REFLEKTIONAD – Sista torsdagen i varje månad kl 08.30 Djurgårdsbron, Stockholm

Många av oss prioriterar bort just de aktiviteter som skyddar oss från negativ stress: 

      • Meningsfulla samtal IRL
      • Reflektionstid
      • Natur
      • Motion

Vi behöver ’reflektionera’ mera! 

Reflektion + Promenad = Reflektionad

Som Margaret Wheatley sa:

“Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful.”

Sista torsdagen i varje månad pratpromenerar vi tillsammans

Vi möts klockan 8:30 vid Blå Porten nära Djurgårdsbron och promenerar, reflekter och delar förhoppningvis meningsfulla samtal.

Jag delar kort om en modell, ett verktyg eller forskning inom självledarskap. I par eller grupp om tre så promenerar och diskuterar vi (på säkert avstånd). Vi stannar halvvägs och delar våra insikter och tankar, jag ställer en ny fråga och vi byter promenadpartner. Vi är tillbaka senast kl 9:30 vid blå porten och du kan cykla hem eller ta dig vidare till en arbetsdag laddad med:

      • Nya perspektiv och insikter
      • Full av energi och inspiration
      • Nya intressanta kontakter
      • Tankar kring hus din kommande månad ska se ut
Boka en plats senast kl 12:00 dagen innan (formuläret nedan eller på kontakt@emmavallin.se / 0709195374

Deltagande är gratis men vi begränsar deltagandet till högst 10 personer av praktiska skäl.

Väl mött!

The Perfectionist – (Over)achiever archetype 1

Motto: ’Anything in life worth doing is worth overdoing’.

This achievement strategy is about doing everything to perfection, keeping your promise and never ever handing anything in half-baked. Perfectionists often respond to emails immediately so no one has to wait and tend to compensate for the shortcomings of others.

These overachievers scan the reactions of others to pick up any signs of irritation or disappointment so they can figure out a way to correct it. They have a clear view of what life should be like and how we should behave as individuals.

Just like their overachiever cousins – the Comparison Junkies – the Perfectionists keep track of everyone on social media and compare themselves all the time. On a bad day they can spend 60 minutes writing and rewriting a two-sentence email. Chronic procrastination could be the result of perfectionism.

Drivers and Fears:
      • Fear of failure
      • Fear others upsetting others
      • If I make a mistake, it will lead to a catastrophe
      • I am the reason others feel bad
      • If I do everything right I am accepted/loved
How to overcome it?
      1. Practice realistic thinking. Because perfectionists are often very critical of themselves, one of the most effective ways to overcome perfectionism is to replace self-critical thoughts with more realistic and helpful statements. Some examples of positive realistic statements: Everyone makes mistakes! Nobody is perfect!, All I can do is my best!
      2. Changing perspective: Perfectionists tend to have a hard time seeing things from another person’s point of view. Start by asking yourself: How might someone else (e.g. a close friend) view this situation? What might I tell a close friend who was having similar thoughts?
      3. Exposure: Having a problem with perfectionism is a lot like having a “phobia” of making mistakes or being imperfect – you get paralyzed by the thought of making mistakes. Exposure is an effective method to overcome your perfectionism, here are some examples of simple exposure practice:
        • Show up for an appointment 15 minutes late.
        • Tell people when you are tired (or other feelings that you consider a weakness).
        • Wear a piece of clothing that has a visible stain on it.
        • Lose your train of thought during a presentation.
        • Try a new restaurant without first researching how good it is.

If your perfectionism or other overachiever strategies hold you back and you would like to develop heathier behaviors and strategies – book a free consultation with me and we’ll take it from there.

PS: My own exposure practice while writing this post was to only read through once before publishing 🙂

Next up on the series of overachiever archetypes: The Controller.

Overachievement Archetypes. © 2021 Emma Vallin. All rights reserved.

6 (Over)Achievement Archetypes

Overachievers can accomplish great things but always need to do more. As they constantly raise the bar, the cost for reaching their goals eventually outweigh the rewards. Although overachievers tend to do well early on in their careers, at some point they start questioning the value of their constant hustle. In addition, research shows that achievement-orientation significantly increases the risk of burnout*.

Learning how to achieve sustainably is not only critical to our performance and well-being but affects the people we work with as well.

Overachievement Archetypes. © 2021 Emma Vallin. All rights reserved.

In a series of posts, I will discuss six achievement archetypes or patterns, identified through years of coaching high achievers and from my own ‘achievement detox’.

Which archetype (if any) do you most identify with?
      • THE COMPARISON JUNKIE. Lives by the motto: ‘Grass is always greener…’
      • THE CONTROLLER. ‘If you want a thing done well, do it yourself’
      • THE PERFECTIONST.  ‘Anything in life worth doing is worth overdoing’
      • THE COMPETITOR. ‘Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing’
      • THE CONTANT ACHIEVER. ‘I will rest when I’m dead’
      • THE WORRYING PROBLEMSOLVER. ‘Spend 55 min worrying about the problem and 5 min thinking about solutions’

I will share the drivers and fears behind each archetypes and would love to discuss what strategies you use to balancing them out.

I would love to have your input and hear your reflections on this topic!

Importantly, it’s NOT about giving up on being a high achiever, it’s about developing a dimmer to your superpower so that you can achieve sustainably, on your terms.

I use this framework a lot in my Achievement Detox Coaching Program and  when coaching business leaders. I find it very useful for identifying underlying fears and drivers and changing negative behaviors.

Happy reading!

*Canadian Journal of Nursing 2019, Vulnerability and Stressors for Burnout

Vårkänslor? Dags att investera i dig själv!

Japanska körsbärsblommen är snart här. ‘Sakura’ säger oss att livet att värdefullt och kort och påminner oss att fokusera på det som är viktigt.

Vill du prestera mer hållbart? Kanske funderar du på en ny karriär eller vill göra förändringar i vardagen?

Solen och ljuset är på väg tillbaka och med det kommer ofta tankar på förändring. Efter ett år av hemmajobb och familjebubblor börjar många fundera på nya utmaningar och mål.

Prova-på-erbjudande: 3 sessioner för 1800kr

Just nu erbjuder jag 3 coachingsessioner för 1800kr (Ord. pris 2700kr)*. Samtalen är 50 min och hålls på Zoom. Möjlighet att använda Friskvårdsbidrag.

Coaching kan hjälpa dig:

      • Tydliggöra dina mål och ditt syfte
      • Förebygga negativ stress
      • Hitta det du brinner för
      • Utmana beteendemönster
      • Få en tydlig plan med uppföljning och motivation till förändring

För att boka eller vid frågor, hör av dig till: kontakt@emmavallin.se eller 0709195374.

Tidigare klienter tycker till:

”Under alla våra samtal var Emma alltid lika engagerad, väl förberedd och redo att ge nya utmaningar och tankeställare. Jag upplever Emma som en otroligt varm, ödmjuk, nyfiken och driven person som är genuint intresserad av att hjälpa andra människor. Jag kan varmt rekommendera Emma som coach! ” Kristin, Stockholm

”I am progressing through a change in career, exploring new opportunities in maybe even new sectors. Coaching with Emma have provided me with interesting tools and exercises to explore the right direction. I would strongly recommend anyone in a similar situation – taking on uncertainty – to explore this type of positive and unconditional coaching.” Willeke, UK

*Gäller för köp under mars 2021. Giltighet 1 år efter köp. Endast nya kunder. Digitala samtal (Zoom eller telefon). Betalning via Swish eller faktura. Tidsbokning på kontakt@emmavallin.se eller 0709195374. Avbokning av tid senast 24 timmar innan. För mer information: www.emmavallin.se

Hindrar vårt ständiga ’görande’ oss från att ’vara’?

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. A schedule defends from chaos and whim. It is a net for catching days.” — Annie Dillard

Jag var tvungen att läsa citatet ett par gånger innan jag verkligen förstod det. ”Det är ett nät som fångar dagar”. Det är både vackert poetiskt och skrämmande mörkt.

Om vi tillbringar hela livet med att ständigt göra, planera, oroa oss, arbeta och jaga, lever vi verkligen våra liv eller hanterar vi dem bara?

Jag flyttade till Rom när jag var 19 år. Jag blev bedövad av romarnas kärlek till det goda och deras talang för att njuta av och älska livet (tillsammans med konsten att dubbelparkera). Men även om jag tyckte kulturen var otroligt exotisk i början så var jag ofta frustrerad. Hur kunde de ta 30 minuter att säga adjö till vänner utanför restaurangen eller fem timmar att äta lunch hemma hos någons föräldrar?

Min skandinaviska individualism, punktlighet och kärlek till scheman kolliderade ofta med hur mina varma och ibland kaotiska vänner levde.

Jag är den första som erkänner att min femårsplan i Excel har hjälpt mig nå längre än vad jag kunnat drömma om som 19-åring. Det har gjort det möjligt för mig att arbeta och bo i fyra länder, träffa fascinerande människor och lära mig de mest oväntade sakerna om mig själv och världen.

Men de senaste åren har jag börjat undra om vårt behov framgång, vår jakt på ett syfte och vår ständiga schemaläggning inte bara hindrar oss från att leva våra liv.

Vi behöver naturligtvis både ebb och flod i våra liv, utan hunger och drivkraft skulle vi kanske missa en massa upplevelser och möjlighet att växa. Men när börjar vi egentligen slå på autopiloten och sluta uppskatta nuet? Och hur smärtsamt svaret än är, måste vi ibland stanna upp och fråga oss själva:

Hindrar vårt ständiga ’görande’ oss från att ’vara’?

Om du tänker tillbaka på speciella konversationerna du har haft vänner, eller den där fredagsdrinken med kollegor som slutade i en galen helkväll (i mitt fall ofta på Piano Bar i London), eller när du leker kurragömma med en 3-åring (de är katastrofalt dåliga på det), vad hade dessa erfarenheter gemensamt?

      • De var inte planerade
      • De var sannolikt inte en del av din 3-års plan
      • De tillbringades med människor som står dig nära

Även om pandemin verkligen inte hjälper oss till mer spontanitet och sociala interaktioner, försök att experimentera med ett mindre strikt schema, mindre fokus på produktivitet och lite mindre görande. Försök istället att bara göra det du känner för ibland och njut av det. När lusten att skriva en ny att-göralista kommer (och det kommer att göra), fråga dig själv:

      • Vad är du rädd ska hända om ’gör’ lite mindre?
      • Vem gör du dessa saker för och kommer de att tacka dig för det vid din begravning?

Om vi ​​stänger av autopiloten ett tag och funderar på vad som verkligen är viktigt och vad vi vill ha mer av i våra liv, slår jag vad om att våra dagar skulle se annorlunda ut.

Zoom-tröttheten är verklig och påtaglig – därför lanserar jag promenadcoaching

All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.

– Friedrich Nietzsche 


När pandemin bröt ut i våras måste jag erkänna att jag tyckte det var lite skönt och jag insåg att jag sparade en massa tid på att jobba hemma. Jag slapp boka samtalsrum och ta mig till och från coachingsessionerna.

Men jag saknar riktiga möten och den extra dimension samtal får när man ses fysiskt. Jag har förstått att många av mina klienter har en liknande känsla.

Så eftersom vi alla behöver motion och frisk luft, varför inte kombinera två bra saker? Jag erbjuder därför sedan en tid tillbaka promenadcoaching.

Om du bor i Stockholm kan du boka in en 50 minuters coachingpromenad på Kungsholmen. (Vill du ses någon annanstans i centrala/ Västra Stockholm går det naturligtvis bra också).

Du får möjlighet att jobba med dina livs eller karriärsmål och frisk luft på samma gång.

Boka in en session eller hör av dig så berättar jag mer: