Emma Vallin

The Controller – (Over)achiever archetype 2

Motto: ‘If you want a thing done well, do it yourself’

Achievement by control is about keeping a close eye on everything and everyone around you. If you identify with the Controller archetype you probably know exactly what will happen on Tuesday in 3 weeks and love writing lists and plans.

You prefer to take care of most things yourself and delegation and collaboration could be a challenge for you. The Controller can have a hard time dealing with unexpected events.

Due to their challenge with collaboration and delegation, Controllers risk losing valuable input and inspiration from people around them. In extreme cases they could end up alienating colleagues and friends.

Drivers and Fears:

- - Fear of losing control
  - Fear of uncertainty
  - Will to succeed

How to overcome:

1. 1. Educate yourself about anxiety and control. Rather than falling back on control as a defense against uncertainty, learn all you can about the fear that is driving you to micromanage. Read books or see a therapist.

2. Ask yourself how effective controlling really is. For example, is asking your teenage son whether he’s brushed his teeth every morning an effective way to make him take responsibility for his dental care? If not, stop and rethink your approach.

3. Ban control-oriented language from your vocabulary. For example, unsolicited advice or criticizing someone’s perspective. Altering your language takes courage, and you must commend yourself for learning how to let go of control.

What advise would you give a Controller? If you identify as one, how do you overcome your need to control?

Next up: The worrying problem solver

Overachievement Archetypes. © 2021 Emma Vallin. All rights reserved.

The Worrying Problem Solver – (Over)achiever archetype 3

‘Spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions’

This achievement strategy is about never leaving anything unresolved. If you identify as worrying problem solver you often experience anxiety and negative stress when facing a challenging problem.

On top of the anxiety the issue with this approach is that it’s very ineffective. When the brain’s threat system is switched on you are unlikely to find constructive solutions.

The result is a behavior that is motivated by getting rid of discomfort. In the short term, it feels better to dwell on the problem than to leave it.

Drivers and Fears:

- - The dopamine kick of solving things.
  - Inability to deal with the discomfort of disappointment.
  - A tendency to catastrophize.
  - Fear of failure.

How to overcome:

1.Recognize the difference between worrying and productive problem solving. Here are some signs that you might be worrying:

- - You dismiss all your solutions as ineffective.
  - You are tense, distressed, and upset.
  - You spend a lot of time focusing on how things could go terribly wrong.

2. To get out of worrying-mode. Try taking some slow breaths from your diaphragm and relax. If that doesn’t help, take a break (go for a run, Clean the toilet). Come back to the problem when you’ve had a chance to settle down.

3. Put negative thoughts into a drawer. If you still find yourself slipping into negative thinking. Let the thoughts come, then mentally put them into a drawer, lock it and tell yourself you can open the draw again in an hour. In the meanwhile focus on positive ways to solve the problem.

Have you experienced periods of worrying and anxiety? What tips would you give to someone who is a worrying problem solver?

Next up: The Constant Achiever

6 (Over)Achievement Archetypes

Overachievers can accomplish great things but always need to do more. As they constantly raise the bar, the cost for reaching their goals eventually outweigh the rewards. Although overachievers tend to do well early on in their careers, at some point they start questioning the value of their constant hustle. In addition, research shows that achievement-orientation significantly increases the risk of burnout*.

Learning how to achieve sustainably is not only critical to our performance and well-being but affects the people we work with as well.

In a series of posts, I will discuss six achievement archetypes or patterns, identified through years of coaching high achievers and from my own ‘achievement detox’.

Which archetype (if any) do you most identify with?

- - THE COMPARISON JUNKIE. Lives by the motto: ‘Grass is always greener…’
  - THE CONTROLLER. ‘If you want a thing done well, do it yourself’
  - THE PERFECTIONST. ‘Anything in life worth doing is worth overdoing’
  - THE COMPETITOR. ‘Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing’
  - THE CONTANT ACHIEVER. ‘I will rest when I’m dead’
  - THE WORRYING PROBLEMSOLVER. ‘Spend 55 min worrying about the problem and 5 min thinking about solutions’

I will share the drivers and fears behind each archetypes and would love to discuss what strategies you use to balancing them out.

I would love to have your input and hear your reflections on this topic!

Importantly, it’s NOT about giving up on being a high achiever, it’s about developing a dimmer to your superpower so that you can achieve sustainably, on your terms.

I use this framework a lot in my Achievement Detox Coaching Program and when coaching business leaders. I find it very useful for identifying underlying fears and drivers and changing negative behaviors.

Happy reading!

*Canadian Journal of Nursing 2019, Vulnerability and Stressors for Burnout

Spring is in the air – time to invest in yourself?

Japanese Cherry Blossom season is soon upon us. ‘Sakura’ reminds us that life is precious and short and must not be wasted. The beautiful blossom which last only for a couple of days is a reminder to focus on what is important.

Do you want to find ways to reduce negative stress? Are you interesting in sustainable achievement? Or perhaps you are exploring career options?

After a year of homework and family bubbles, many are seeing light in the end of the tunnel and starting to think about new challenges and goals.

Offer: 3 coachingsessions for SEK1800

I’m currently offering a package of 3 sessions for SEK 1,800 (Value SEK 2,700) to new clients. Sessions are 50 minutes and done over Zoom. (Friskvårdsbidrag valid in Sweden).

Coaching can help you:

- - Clarify purpose and goals
  - Challenge negative behaviors and patterns
  - Prevent burnout
  - Get a clear plan with support and motivation for change

Interested? Get in touch on: kontakt@emmavallin.se +46 709195374

Feedback from previous clients:

”I am progressing through a change in career, exploring new opportunities in maybe even new sectors. Coaching with Emma have provided me with interesting tools and exercises to explore the right direction. I would strongly recommend anyone in a similar situation – taking on uncertainty – to explore this type of positive and unconditional coaching.” Willeke, UK

“During our conversations Emma was always committed, well prepared and ready to challenge me. I experience Emma as an incredibly warm, humble, curious and driven person who is genuinely interested in helping other people. I could really recommend Emma as a coach! Kristin, Stockholm

*Offer valid until March 31st 2021. Purchased sessions to be used within 1 year. New customers only. Digital coaching calls via Zoom. Payment by Swish or invoice. Appointments booked on kontakt@emmavallin.se or +46 709195374. 24h cancellation policy.

Is our constant ‘doing’ keeping us from ‘being’?

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. A schedule defends from chaos and whim. It is a net for catching days.” — Annie Dillard

I had to read that quote a couple of times before I really understood the meaning of it. ‘It is a net catching days’. That is both such a beautifully poetic and scarily dark at the same time.

When you think about it, if we spend our whole lives constantly doing, planning, worrying, working, chasing (I can think of too many action filled verbs), are we actually living our lives or just managing them?

I moved to Rome, Italy when I was 19. I was stunned by the Romans love for the good life and talent for just being, enjoying and indulging. (Along with their double-parking skills). However exotic I found the culture, I was often frustrated with the 30 minutes it often took to say goodbye to friends outside the restaurant, or the four-hour lunches at someone’s parents.

My Scandinavian individualism, punctuality and love for schedules often clashed with my warm, social and sometimes chaotic group of friends.

Now, I’m the first to admit that my five-year plans in excel or my habit of setting 100-day goals at any new job has taken me further than my 19-year old self could have imagined. It has allowed me to work and live in four countries, meet fascinating people and learn the most unexpected things about myself and the world.

But a few years ago I started asking myself if this need for individual success and purpose, this constant scheduling and planning is really keeping us from living our lives.

We of course need both ebb and flow – without hunger and drive to achieve we would miss out on a lot of great experience and personal growth. But at what point do we turn on this doing-autopilot and stop appreciating the now? And however painful the answer might be, we sometimes need to stop and ask ourselves:

Is our constant ‘doing’ keeping us from ‘being’?

Just think back to the best conversations you’ve had with a friend. Or those Friday drinks with colleagues who ended in a crazy all-nighter (in my case often at the Piano Bar in London). Or perhaps playing hide and seek with a 3-years old (they are really rubbish at this game). – What do these experiences have in common?

- - They were not planned.
  - They were not likely part of your 3-months objectives.
  - They were spent with people close to you.

Although the pandemic is certainly not helping with the spontaneity and social interactions, try experimenting with a less rigid schedule, less obsession with productivity and the mentality of constant doing. Try instead doing what you feel like once in a while and make sure you stop to appreciate it. When the urge to write that to-do list comes again, and it will, ask yourself:

- - What do you fear will happen if you stop ‘doing’?
  - What do you think will happen to your life if you relax the grip on that proverbial stick?
  - Who are you ‘doing’ these things for and will they thank you for it at your funeral?

If we turned off the ‘doing-autopilot’ for a while and thought about what is really important, what we really want more of in our lives, I bet our days would look very different.

Zoom Fatigue is real – launching walking coaching

All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.

– Friedrich Nietzsche

When the pandemic forced many of us to move our businesses and work online, I must admit I found it a relief and a huge time saver. As a coach I didn’t have to worry about booking rooms or travel to sessions. But I do miss REAL meetings and conversations as do many of my clients.

So, as we all need exercise, fresh air and human connections (in a covid-safe way of course!) I’ve started offering walking coaching sessions.

If you live in Stockholm, book a 50 minute coaching walk on Kungsholmen. So you can work on your life- or career goals and get some fresh air all at once.

Contact me below to book a session or learn more!

Nominate a leader for the Executive Coaching Program

Are you leading your organization through change?

Do you want to become a more resilient, self-aware, and effective leader?

Or do you work with a super talent who would flourish with dedicated personal development support?

I’m offering up one spot on my Executive Coaching Program for free

The program includes an EQ-i 2.0® assessment and report + individual coaching. Apply in the link below. (Value € 1,950)

As an ICF-certified coach and certified EQ-i 2.0 practitioner I help leaders around the world develop a sharp vision, lead with authenticity, and create sustainable teams. With my 15+ years of corporate-and NGO leadership experience I support AND challenge leaders to raise their game.

Why is EQ critical to the success of today’s leaders?

Emotional intelligence skills are critical for problem solving, leading yourself and others as well as for building resilience.

The World Economic Forum has ranked Emotional Intelligence as one of the top 10 skills needed for the fourth industrial revolution.

And a recent Harvard Business Review article, “The EI Advantage,” states: “Corporate cultures that lack EI are becoming a major liability as business environments change.”

This year has certainly shown us the importance of adapting the change. Reflecting on my own 2020 there have definitely been a few big ones – starting my own business, leaving the corporate world, launching my Achievement Detox Program and going all digital with webinars and workshops.

Take this opportunity to nominate yourself of someone who wants to raise their game in 2021.

Best of luck!

Application

Program start Jan 2021. Winner announced by 15^th Jan 2021. All coaching via Microsoft Teams. Appointments booked on kontakt@emmavallin.se, 24 hour cancellation policy.

Is your ambition putting you at risk for burn-out?

The stress-vulnerability model is often used to understand the causes of mental health issues and burn-out.

As you can guess, two dimensions are involved: “Vulnerability” refers to our basic sensitivities and is determined by our genetics as well as life experiences. “Stressors” refers to the situations or challenges faced in our lives.

Many employers are focusing more time and money on preventing negative stress instead of treating already burnt out co-workers. Great for the individual and the bottom line!

However stress prevention is often focused on the situational stressors, such as workload with very little attention given to understanding individual vulnerabilities.

A study from 2019 published in the Canadian Journal of Nursing Research found that ambition or “being passionate about doing well” is a strong vulnerability factor for burn-out. Key themes for situational stressors were “teamwork,” “manager,” and “work and personal circumstances.”

In summary the study shows that a discrepancy between individual vulnerability (ambition) and situational stressors can lead to burn-out. Therefore, burnout prevention needs to target the individual’s vulnerabilities as well.

Through my own Achievement Detox and coaching of high performers, I have learnt a couple of things when it comes to ambition and burn-out:

1. Like any overused strengths your ambition or achievement superpower can damage your health, relationships and even your results.
2. Learning to control your need to achieve does not mean turning your ambition off, you’re simply using it in a smarter way
3. By taking your achiever hat off once in a while and letting other unique personality traits such as your creativity or kindness shine, you become a more interesting and productive person.

Do you or your team want to work smarter to prevent burn-out? Book a webinar, workshop, or coaching session with me.

Source: Vulnerability and Stressors for Burnout, September 2019. The Canadian journal of nursing research

Nervous and exciting Dry Run of my new Webinar

Had a dry run of my new webinar; Achievement Detox last night. A couple of amazing friends were my guinea pigs and gave me really useful feedback!

All went well except a couple of technical hiccups.

Next week is the first session with a larger audience! Fingers crossed MicrosoftTeams works better for me then.

So far the webinar is only in Swedish but I’m introducing an English version after the summer.

If you or your company are interested in achievement addiction and need inspiration for your work with creating a sustainable work culture – do let me know. Happy to tailor workshops or webinars to your needs.

Are you a frog in boiling water?

You’ve probably heard the boiling frog story from at least one overpaid management consultant. You know the story where one frog is put into cold water that is slowly brought to a boil, therefore stays in the water and dies. The other frog is thrown into boiling water, jumps out and lives.

The wrong job can certainly be like water slowly heating up. We feel more drained, out of place and demotivated over time but if we’re not uncomfortable enough, we don’t make the change. Grass is never greener, we tell ourselves.

Recent times have thrown many of us into boiling water. Even those of us not directly affected by the Corona virus have had our daily lives turned upside down. We’ve seen industries fall apart over night and might be questioning the relevance and value of our jobs. (Is it too late to train as a nurse?)

However painful, scary and challenging a sudden change is it can also give you incredible clarity and an insight into what matters. Extreme circumstances can help you make some bold moves.

To continue on the frog metaphor; a sudden pain can help you leap () out of a negative situation and discover a completely new venture, approach, or career.

Are your uncomfortable enough to make the change?

I help clients match career options with their values and needs and offer tools like network mapping. Give me a shout if you think career coaching might be useful for you. First session is free.

An unexpected cure for ‘Hurry Sickness’

Are you the kind of person who cleans the bathroom while brushing your teeth? Move from one check-out line to another when shopping? Sit at the back of the room during work presentations so that you can finish that budget sheet? Chances are you’re suffering from ‘hurry sickness’.

People with ‘hurry sickness’ are multitasking masters, they think, walk and speak fast

What Is Hurry Sickness?

Two American cardiologist first came up with the term when they found a correlation between typical type A behavior and heart disease. People with ‘hurry sickness’ are multitasking masters, they think, speak and even walk fast and get very impatient with anyone or anything wasting their time. Sounds familiar? You’re not alone – a London Business School study found that 95 percent of the managers in a study suffer from the condition.

Is it really that bad for you?

Being busy is often seen as a virtue but when it becomes a constant time urgency you lose your ability to stop and think, and as a result become less effective. You lose sight of the “big picture,” and risk alienating people around you. Not to mention the physiological and mental health risks that come with constant stress.

Quitting the hurry game is really about finding a dimmer for your ‘get-shit-done’ superpower

Why is it so hard to quit the hurry game?

From an early age we are rewarded for doing, achieving and winning. In high paced industries and corporate environments, it’s often a prerequisite for success, as many of us can relate to. Getting lots done is a kind of superpower that has likely made you pretty successful in your career. So why doesn’t it take you further or make you happier? Think of it as running a marathon at sprint pace. It might give you a lead early on in your life or career, but it certainly won’t make you either successful or indeed, alive as the race goes on. It’s less about quitting the hurry game and more about finding a dimmer for your ‘get-shit-done’ superpower. You need to learn how to dial up and down your hurriedness. Of course, it’s great to be able to switch it on for that big deadline or when you’re trying to get 2 small children out the door. But the default setting in your life needs to be less rushed and you need to learn how to dim the light completely.

The unexpected cure – being pregnant!

I’m a classic hurry sick person who have spent my life chasing efficiencies and trying to do things faster and better. From doing my Kegel exercises in the lift to conference calls in the gym. It wasn’t until I got pregnant with my first child that I learnt how to live slow. I suffered from severe pelvic girdle pain and could hardly walk. From being someone who would always walk /run up the tube escalator, I suddenly missed my bus every day for being to slow. I even found myself being overtaken by seniors in the slowest lane in the swimming pool. I have often thought it was natures cruel way to cure me from my hurry sickness before having children. I have to admit the relief was temporary, as a mother of 2 children under 3 years of age I often find myself multitasking in the most ridiculous ways. But I am now a sober hurry addict and I can dial up and down my busyness and speed. I finally have a dimmer!

Other ways to cure hurry sickness

If pregnancy with pelvic girdle pain doesn’t sound temping or just isn’t in the cards for you, here are some tips on how to fight hurry sickness:

1. Practice doing one everyday thing slowly – it could be the dishes or walking to work. How does that make you feel?
2. Question the value of your urgency – What difference will it make if you answer that email tonight? How important is it in the grand scheme of thing?
3. Write down the flip side of your hurrying. What are you missing out on when you rush around? What effects on your health do you see? Who are you hurting?
4. Trick the system with breathing right. When you’re feeling particularly flushed, take some deep breaths (inhale for 3 counts, exhale for 5). This activates the parasympathetic nervous system (the break system) and reduces the stress hormone cortisol.

Let’s make 2020 a slow year!

SPA 2 ways

My partner and I went to a SPA last weekend. It was a birthday gift from my mom and sister, which also included their babysitting services. A big deal since it was the first night away from both kids and potentially the first full night of sleep for me in over a year!

Most toddler parents know that there is a pre/post children dimension to most things in life (going to the shops, showering, eating, getting dressed, doing number 2…). But the difference when it comes to a spa experience only really became clear after listening to the following conversation in the changing room:

The spa weekend girls:

Spa girl 1: I love your bikini!

Spa girl 2: Really? Thanks. It took me an hour to choose. The stress…

Spa girl 3: Should we bring the clay masques into the spa? We might feel like using them at once.

Spa girl 1: Oh, I don’t know. We have no idea how we’ll feel while in there. Oooh, this doesn’t feel good at all! Can’t we just chill and see how we feel?

The parents:

My mom texted that one of the boys was up all night and one of them is now throwing up.

My partner: My tummy feels funny as well.

Me: Can we pretend we didn’t get the message yet and stay in the pool for a while?

My partner: Your bikini is torn.

Me: You should be happy I almost had time to finish shaving my legs.

I listen with fascination to the girls and admire their full toilet bags. I quickly put on my randomly selected clothes as the vomiting situation at home is deteriorating. I grab a handful of free body lotion on my way out and slap it onto my forehead as if to say: you should be happy you have time for anxiety and even time to chat about it!

Different worlds indeed.

And despite the vomiting bonanza I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Pavlov’s thoughts on my bike

My bike was stolen yesterday.

It’s definitely not the first time; I think I had 3 bikes stolen during my time in London and God knows how many in Uppsala! Unfortunately I had locked the bike in the front wheel only. Rocky mistake according to my partner who said I might as well have put up a sign for the thieves.

The thief kindly left my front wheel behind

The irony is that the bike was stolen outside the venue of my psychotherapist course, on the exact day of the Pavlovian Theory lecture. You know the guy who discovered dogs could be conditioned to drool at the sound of a bell.

We discussed how a victim who suffered an assault could develop a phobia of for example balloons if balloons were present at the time of the assault. Classic conditioning. But apparently I cannot learn that a poorly locked up bike in an urban environment is likely to be stolen. I assume the level of pain involved could be a factor but we didn’t get that far in the lecture.

I’m only on day 4 of the course and I hope it becomes clearer!

If I finally learnt how to lock my bike up remains to be seen.

The art of a stress-free life

There’s something in the old saying, to stop and smell the roses. Noticing and enjoying the simple and beautiful things in life. But to be able to smell those flowers, you must plant and nurture them. You must take charge of your life – which in itself can be excruciatingly stressful.

So how can you get rid of negative stress?

We know that talented, driven and self-critical people are high risk for stress-related exhaustion disorders. But killing your ambition is difficult. Redirecting it however, setting different goals, can be life-changing. Use that drive and your performance personality to form and achieve new goals. Feel-good goals. It can be to laugh out loud every day, meet a new inspirational person every month or meditate once a week. Then go out there and deliver -like only you can!

There’s no vaccine for life crisis and unforeseen drama. You can however control how you handle setbacks. Choose to be kind to yourself. Try to see every obstacle as fertiliser for your roses; without shit in your life, there will be no personal development :).

To stop living a stressful life can be as difficult as becoming debt free or getting rid of an addiction. It requires conscious actions and sometimes you need help. Maybe book a couple of sessions with a coach. Hint hint me!

Yoga – it can help with everything from chronic pain to depression and PMS

1. Yoga and the heart. Yoga can make blood vessels relax and thereby reduce blood pressure while increasing blood flow to the heart.

2. Yoga can cure chronic pain in the back and neck. When practising yoga, the muscles first tighten, and then they relax when you breathe in and out. As the muscles relax, the pain begins to release.

3. Yoga and the brain. In a recent study published in the Journal of Neuroscience Nursing and performed at 133 older adults, those practicing yoga 30 minutes twice a week showed a better cognitive function than those who did not yoga.

4. Diabetes. In a study published in the Journal of Clinical and Diagnostic Research, 30 men with type 2 diabetes who practiced yoga for six months showed a significant decrease in their blood sugar levels.

5. Yoga to reduce stress. Practising yoga regularly can reduce the levels of the stress hormone cortisol, and especially in women at risk for mental illnesses.

6. Depression. A study in Complementary Therapies in Clinical Practice, showed that regular yoga practise reduced levels of anxiety in women with post partum depression.

7. Yoga to fight PMSD. This time of the month you might feel like savasana is the only pose for you, but other positions may also relieve PMS symptoms.

From an article in yoga world